Three months have passed. Flouxitine, during the first two months, helped a bit with the difficulty with memory, crying spells, and irritability. I was able to concentrate better and was actually able to devour five books in a matter of a week, combined — a huge feat, considering my inability to concentrate on anything except moving objects on my monitor. However, my sleeping patterns went all out of whack. I started sleeping really long hours, averaging 12hrs per day. The panic attacks didn’t leave me, however.

According to RanD, I wasn’t reaching the expected outcome and it shouldn’t be making me fall asleep that long so maybe Flouxitine wasn’t the best fit for me. Also, to drown him out, I was placed on Thorazine. Had to clean my system of the “happiness” so effects of the new vitamins can be easily studied.

Now, he’s drowned most of the time… that’s coz I feel like floating half the time I’m awake. I’m back to being forgetful and unable to concentrate. I’ve been trying to read a new book for about two weeks now (ever since I started taking it), and I’m proudly halfway (yey… >_<) and have forgotten pretty much most of the past chapters. (No exaggeration. There’s this part where the protagonist refers to some important dream about a flying boat like it’s a pivotal part of the story but I’m unable to place where that came from even if I was supposed to have read that part already.)

I can deal with the whole “floating experience,” even the lack of concentration. It’s just the suckiest thing is not remembering. There’s this perpetual feeling like something is at the tip of my tongue or brain. Like I know  I should remember something but I can’t remember if I remembered correctly that I should be remembering something to remember. Makes sense? Well, it doesn’t to me, but I’ve confused myself too much but do not have the brainpower to figure it out.

Mind set? It’s all in the mind? Sorry to say, but I can tell you now that’s bull… at least to what I’m going through as of now. It’s a physical feeling — the loss of memory, like a gaping hole — and I have a completely different point of comparison to be able to say that I know this is not psychological. I feel my vocabulary’s range has been reduced to 1/3 of the words I can easily pull up from my brain before.

On a different note, I punch things less now since I’m in this “floating” state, but when the effect wears off toward the end of the day, well… ‘nuf said. I’m just glad that almost exactly one hour after taking it, whatever I’m doing comes to a halt because I leave it (yes, stand up and leave it like a zombie), lie down, then fall asleep for about 14-16hrs every time. I usually have to ask the people at home how I fell asleep. Of course they’re stories of how I adamantly stuck to the sofa, how I unglamorously hugged the dining table while they had dinner around me, etc.

I’m wishing for my vitamins to just do their work. When I asked RanD what are the expected positive effects we’re looking for to know my vits are working, he said I should be back to my old self pre-the unspeakable. He said it with such sureness that I was almost inclined to believe him, if I wasn’t in this crappy one-year me. I incredulously said “Are…you…sure?? I mean, well… I was a powerhouse before he came into the picture!” “Then a powerhouse again, you will be,” he offered with a smile.

I’m nearing the end of this post because the effects are starting to be upon me again. Zombie time. Good night and see you tomorrow.


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