You sure have given me one heck of a year! I don’t remember being as low and troubled in my life as I have been this whole 2010. Heck, I’m surprised I was able to reach the end of the year — the anniversary of whatever died in me — in somewhat a sane condition.
I never doubted You’ll help me pull through, though I asked You many times why I had to go through that. I have yet to find out the answer. During the many days I felt my heart being tugged out of my chest, I found myself just kneeling in front of You begging for the hurting to stop. To put me to sleep, I talk to You and wish You would comfort me and make things okay even for a bit. I wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night and I call out to You to swat the demons away. You always heard me. You always got me through.
But I had to go through this whole year in such slow motion. I had to experience it all. Taste it all. “Thy will be done,” I always say.
There’s are reason for all this. There’s a reason why I had to get hurt that badly. There’s a reason why I couldn’t move forward even if my mind wished I did. There’s a reason, but all that isn’t clear to me yet. All I know is that five to ten years from now, I’ll be looking back with a clearer understanding and wisdom. Maybe five to ten years from now I would have faced worse challenges than this and I would have realized that this is just a primer.
This year, You have reminded me that I have a wonderful family and terrific friends. I could not ask for any better. My family is the most understanding, most supportive, and most lenient people alive. They have put up with me and treated me no differently even after my many wrong choices. They showered me we love and understanding and provided me a safe haven when I needed it the most. I don’t know what I would do without anyone of them in my life.
You have blessed me with unrelenting friends who kept calling me up and dragging me out of the house even if I just wanted to rot in one corner. Without them, it’s very possible I would have gotten worse and wasted away.
You didn’t allow me to go bankrupt as well, which I’m very very thankful for. You have blessed me with a watchful eye on my budget, a strong will not to give in to impulsive purchases, a hobby of saving, and of course my family and my Butler who have been very supportive financially. I guess I wasn’t kidding during my last day at work when I said I can afford to rest for two years. Then again, I won’t do that since I don’t want my skills and knowledge to stale. (So, uhm, can you help me find a good-paying job that I love this new year? I’d really appreciate it.)
I admit I still feel like I’m getting kicked in the gut whenever I see his and her smiling faces. I can’t believe they are still together, happy. I hate thinking I became his stepping stone to finding true happiness. I hate realizing over and over again that he had the capacity to rob me one year of my life and I wasn’t able to fight it, however hard I tried. I gag at the thought that I’m just one more broken-hearted individual who is eventually going to get over this. I thought I was above this kind of hurt and suffering.
…You proved to me how wrong I was. How proud I was.
I fell, and I haven’t been able to get up as fast as the “others” I thought I was a not part of. I am paying for my pride and for all the other people I have hurt on the way. I am afraid that I am just human and would fall into the same pattern of my old faults without even knowing them. Help me appreciate everyone around me for the good they have to offer.
I want to get over and done with this chapter of my life. Let it fade away with the old year that’s about to leave. Please help me make my 2011 fruitful and progressive for me. Allow me to finally rise from the ashes and be reborn into someone better, and wiser, than before.
I love You. Thank You for all the pain and blessings. Guide me, always.