Day 30.3 to Thirty: Languish

1. Day closed with my head all fucked up. After quite a time, I entered an episode again where my mind blanks out while I’m doing something routine and uncontrolled snarling and hurting myself surfaced. Had to keep catching myself from pounding on my computer’s shelf… failed twice. Decided to go up and sleep before I did any damage to me or my baby (a.k.a. my computer).

2. Lay in bed. Stared at my phone and wanted to tell Butler how I was. I needed somebody to know. I started typing in a message but erased it. Nah, he’d take it as another episode only, or worse, he might just try to trump me once more. But he has to know. He told me he’ll be there for me for whatever. I tried to compose the message again. And erased it again. Never mind. I’ll just go to sleep. He doesn’t need to know. Lay my phone beside me.

Picked the phone up again. “I’m a mess.” Sent the message. I’ll deal with his reaction later when I wake…

3. Woke around 12:30PM. Out of habit, immediately checked my phone for a message from Butler. Forgot about the text I sent before I slept. Saw his reply. It was an outburst about his condition which pretty much said “to hell with that coz I’m in hell too.” Went back to sleep coz I didn’t want to deal with his attitude. I knew it wasn’t directed to me, but I was in no condition to soothe him. I should have followed my instinct and not have sent it at all.

4. Woke up around 4:30PM shouting “J**!! J**!!” I bit my tongue to shut myself up. Silence. Why was I shouting his name? Why do I wake up like this all the time? I remained still and unblinking. Next thing I know I was punching the bed and breathing hard. STOP IT!! YOU CAN CONTROL THIS!!!

Stillness. Steeling myself for the next outburst. I started to relax. Mind started to wander… True Blood after my games… games in FB… people in FB I have been avoiding… my boss who email me in FB who I haven’t replied to… my resume that I haven’t been able to update… “Stupid!! Stupid!! Stupid!! Stupid!! Stupid!!” I screamed with each hit to the bed again.

Breathing hard. What did I just do again?! Why the fuck can’t I control it?! Thought hasn’t even finished I suddenly screamed my sister’s name loud enough for the people downstairs to hear. Suddenly clasped my hand over my mouth. This is going too far. What’s wrong with me?!

Gotta do something… anything. I can’t be left to my thoughts. Grabbed the phone. Texted Butler to ask if he’s still at the clinic. Calmed down. Jumped up from the bed shouting his name again. “J**!! J**!!” SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!!!! Hurriedly grabbed my pillows to bring them downstairs with me so I can see and hear people.

5. Talked to Butler for a short bit. He was all sweet and apologetic. I decided not to think about anything about what happened or we’ll just fight.

6. Started thinking about apologies and all the should’s in life. “I’m sorry for not being a better employee”… “I should have done well in college”… Our life is so full of apologies and what should have been but never came to pass… full of broken expectations of self and others that only make us regret. “Guilt is a useless feeling.” Dunno how true that is, but it has proved to work greatly to my disadvantage.

7. Still feeling pretty much resigned to nothingness. One day left to my birthday. I wish I could just sleep on it and hope it passes quickly and painlessly. Then again, I’m the unluckiest person in the world.


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