1. It’s 8:20AM. Not yet asleep. Don’t know what to make of this day. Don’t know how it can become any good. No longer even hoping. I’m still awake because I don’t want to sleep yet. But I want to sleep already. I have to wake up early so I can make Butler happy by going to him. I don’t want to make anybody happy. I have given up on myself. I want people to give up on me. I don’t deserve anything.
Nothing is going right.
I want to be happy.
2. Woke up at 12noon. Set my alarm to that time hoping to surprising Butler by going to him. Saw a text message from him and from my college friend. She was talking about changing the venue of our meet from MOA to Greenbelt… What?! I’m meeting them today?! I completely forgot! I texted Butler that it turns out I’m leaving the house anyway, whether I want to or not. Looked at the time and made one of my terrible mental computations. “I have much time. I can still sleep for four hours.” Stupid. I have to be out of the house in four hours. Nonetheless, I still fell asleep but kept waking up every 30 mins… the kind of sleep I hate when you’re not getting any rest coz you’re stressed about not waking up so you keep waking up every so often. Got up finally at 2PM, had lunch, now blogging this, and will be making my coffee after publishing.
3. Made my coffee. Awfully hot. Burned my tongue.
4. Deciding to be happy. Well, not really. Deciding to look happy… then maybe the feeling will follow suit. “Fake it ’til you make it” I used to tell my people who didn’t know how/refused to show cordiality and enthusiasm in dealing with their customers. Maybe I should start following my own advice. Maybe it would make me worse (knowing I’m lying to myself and I’ll hate myself for it). But at least it’s something to try for today.
5. Well, well. This day is turning to have some nice surprises in store for me. Butler finished with his patients early, so that means he has more time to relax and come to me earlier. He went to his best friend’s place and turned out Nan ain’t home yet and won’t be home ’til tomorrow. Again, means all he has to worry about is going to me and spending time with me. Then I checked my Facebook mail and saw that my old boss emailed me, following up if I still want to join him in his company. I haven’t replied yet, but I kept the window open so I can think about it. Then my other friend Saz sent me a PM through FB and asked if I might be interested in doing a week’s job of product testing for Logitech. I told him I’ll go try it out. Then my friend Macky called me up and told me he has a birthday gift for me, if I’m interested. He can get me free tickets to Harry Potter which is coming out on my birthday. Since he knows I’m going out with Butler, he extended the offer to Butler and me. I told him I’ll mention it to Butler. I’ll leave the decision to him.
6. Now waiting for Butler to arrive at my place. I’ll dress up and see if we can still leave, or if I still wouldn’t feel like it when he arrives.
7. Another nice surprise I was given today: Butler called. Excited to say that there’re no traffic jams and he wants to take advantage of the fact that we can drive freely to wherever coz of the free-flowing roads and that he isn’t very tired. I’m now just waiting for him to ring my phone to signal he’s outside. I’m all dressed and ready to go! 😀
…Thank you, Father, for when things seem to be darkest you shine rays of light so I don’t lose hope.