1. Last 10 days of my twenties… or so. Talked with Butler a couple of times after I got up. Once before I left for the bank, and another after I got home. He’s right, I have to work on my issues. “Figure out one piece of the puzzle and the rest may just fall into place,” he said. For the first time in my life, I verbally admitted I have a problem with leaving the house on my own. I knew that about myself somehow, but it has always just been a dull yet irritating feeling which I always dismissed as discomfort.
Going out alone makes be very anxious. It stresses me out so much that my tummy becomes bad (a.k.a. LBM). It’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re stuck in a traffic jam with no establishment with a good comfort room in sight. He’s right, I wasn’t like this before… or at least I didn’t show signs of it. What he didn’t know is that I don’t go out of the house to buy stuff even from just the sari-sari store outside for that same reason. And during the times I do, I’m put through high levels of stress already.
I’ve always wanted to please others that I always go out of my way even if something is bothering me. Thus, when Butler asks me to meet him, or he asked me to do that errand last night, I just grit my teeth and said “Ok.” But I realized, when I couldn’t bring myself to go to bed this morning (that it reached 10AM and I was still downstairs), that my body and mind were desperately finding excuses not to be able to go to the bank today. I guess my body was hoping I’d sleep through it. Only my mind (the part of me that doesn’t want to disappoint people) woke me up three hours after so I can go do the errand.
I don’t understand why I find it easier to feel repentant (and as close people to me know: being sorry doesn’t come easy to me) than to face going out alone. I knew I will feel bad and sorry if I don’t go to the bank today, but
I don’t know why I’m like that. I think too much, I guess. I worry about how I look like… what to wear… what the people would say when they see me… what the people outside think when they look at me walking in slippers… will mud get on my foot… what the vendor would think if I buy too much or too little… what the people would know about my activities at home if they see me carry a plastic bag of food. When commuting, I worry about the length of wait before getting to ride… the haggling for the price… actually talking to the driver… what the seat would smell and feel like… would there be crumbs or bits of trash on the backseat of the cab… will the cab get held up… with the meter be running too fast… will I be late yet again… is the person I’m meeting expecting I’ll be late as usual… will I disappoint people yet again?
There are a lot of factors that add up to the stress:
- Dressing up
- Walking down the alleyway and out into the road
- Getting to my destination
- Other worries
Walking down the alleyway and out into the road
When I was a kid, I used to RUN through the alleyway hoping people won’t see me. I ran with my eyes glued to the ground, not looking up. When I became older (around Grade 5-Sophomore HS), I was able to stop the urge to run but learned to walk VERY FAST instead. But I still never looked at the people. People say it’s like I’m competing in a walkathon (and funny thing is, I believed it was one of my skills). Only after I studied in a personality development school did I start to hold my head up high and walk slower. But even with my head up, I was still unable to look at people. I just looked straight ahead, blankly… I have not been able to look at people on our alleyway yet, even now. The discomfort of being seen now is but a faint remnant of the old me, but it’s still there.
I’m concerned about something as simple as stepping out of our little alleyway and being seen by the neighbors and tricycle drivers! I get stressed even just having to shake my head “No” to tricycle drivers when they offer a ride. I feel like I’m turning them down. I don’t like disappointing people. And when I turn them down, I next think: now they know that I have a ride (if I’m dressed) or I’ll just be buying from the nearby store (if I’m in house clothes).
Getting to my destination
I guess my mind’s priority are such:
Top 1: People’s perception of me