I don’t wanna get to my third…
Oct 19, 2010
All I need is somebody I can freely talk to about this and who wouldn’t think that it’s all in my head, or I’m being overly dramatic, or I’m experiencing just-the-same-shit-that-they’re-going-through-that-can-be-solved-with-just-the-proper-motivation. The worst thing that anybody can do to me right now when I open up this kind of topic is to trivialize what I’m thinking and feeling whether they say it or not — thus I hardly brought this up even if I felt I needed help way back in March when the depression hit a two-month run but the attacks were getting worse and worse. It’s mid-October now and I still have the nightmares even if not as frequent.
It’s not normal to call out his name an average of 6-10 times a day, depending on how messed up my day is. It’s not normal to have violent and painful dreams about him ’til today (eight months running). It’s not normal to almost call my new partner his name all the time. It’s not normal to feel guilt, lack of purpose, and lack of self-worth for this long. It’s not normal for me to be unable to get off my ass and look for a job even if the biggest family problems have already come my way: Papa getting confined for a month, Papa finally closing down his office of 50 years due to financial constraints, our family not being able to eat a real meal more than once a day. It’s not normal for me to be talking about my condition more than once because I’m not a repetitive SOB. This what I’m doing now is pathetic!
I am pathetic! I am tired of being such a loser. I don’t want to be in this situation (though many people who feel-knowledgeable-about-the-human-psyche would question that and say “Maybe you like being where you are?”) because I’m not born to stagnate or not accomplishing anything! How can one person cause so much trauma in another? I was born to win and get over problems thrown my way. I HATE IT THAT I HAVEN’T WON OVER THIS PROBLEM YET!!!
I blame him for all my problems… but worse, I blame myself for all my problems. People are right, I’m the only cause of my problems right now and knowing that doesn’t alleviate the mountain of guilt and hopelessness already stacked on me.
Together with my efforts to get over this by pushing it to the back of my mind and distracting myself with my PC and dating (even if I still don’t feel like going out ’til now… and more anxious when I leave the house alone), friends and family have helped me get better, but it’s not as much progress as I would have hoped after almost a year has passed. My thirtieth birthday is coming up to mark a new decade in my life. It’s a greater pressure for me to put this behind me, but I still do not feel I have the capacity of accomplishing anything.
I pick up one thing to do and abandon it midway. So far, the list of my unfinished tasks just keep piling:
- Fixing my phone
- Fixing my sleeping schedule
- Watching all the TV shows I downloaded
- Organizing files on my PC (dating way back college)
- Finding a Jazz Dance class
- Maintaining Auditions in the Philippines – the first and only group artists and producers in the country which I bravely set up, but after one month let go of
- Actively auditioning for theater productions
- Finding a band
- Updating my resume
- Having my hair fixed
- Applying for the PR and/or the Quality Manager job which was literally offered to me publicly
- Making salad (a plan ever since July)
- Meeting with all my good friends who I haven’t seen in a long time