As an afterthought after writing this complete post below, I have finally decided to go through with chronicling the next days until I turn thirty. Thus, the changed title of the post from Uninvited Musings.
Day One’s Ruminations:
1. Woke up from a disturbing/enlightening dream – My Butler and I had our own family of about 4-5 kids. For some reason, we have our dinners in a garage. Maybe we’re poor. I was wearing a witch’s costume – black, full-length, latex gown with matching black witch’s hat. As I sat down at the head of the table, I realized we had a new dining table. Suspecting it was a blow to our tight budget, I asked the Butler how we got the table. He gave me some reason about how he got it cheap or on sale. I exploded in anger even in front of the kids. “HOW COULD YOU KNOWING WE’RE ON A TIGHT BUDGET?!?!” I realized then that I shouldn’t have. The dream rewound and I got a Take Two. “Hun, wouldn’t this hurt our budget?” I asked in a controlled manner. He said something about it not being so bad but I started to wake…
2. Realized what a sad and confused person I am. Big question is WHY??? Is is coz my mind is not active right now and it has become the devil’s playground? Is it because of my current situation? Is it because of the previous traumas that hit me? Is it coz I have realized too much in life and I’m starting to lose hope?… I didn’t use to be as sad and as confused as this before. I was actually very much the opposite. I was very passionate, always on-the-go, full of life. Well, at least I still have a bit optimism left. I know I will eventually get over this phase.
3. Felt like doing something about my sad situation. Realized I have barely a month left in my 20’s and to top it all off, I haven’t been much of a 29-year old. I literally spent being a 29-year old in front of the PC, crying, and trying to escape reality — ergo, I did not become a 29-eayr old, nor did I get to cherish my last year with the number ‘2’ as the first digit.
Resolved to make the best out of my last month and of my last days in my 20’s. Resolved to quit FB gaming… oh, no, can’t do that… quit all games except Restaurant City, maybe. Resolved to find a job, get a new ‘do, travel for the last time in my 20’s, chart a complete plan for the next 34 days then chronicle everything I do ’til the day of my bday, audition for all the roles that say “max 29 yrs old,” and set up the reunion for my former team as my birthday celebration (since they’re asking for it, anyway).
Resolved faltered after a few seconds of thinking about it. How am I really expecting myself to do such a thing when it’s so much better to sit and do nothing? I haven’t been able to accomplish anything in the past, oh I don’t know, two years. How do I expect myself to be able to do anything significant now?
4. Texted my Butler after I felt guilty for getting mad again last night. Realized after I sent the message that the words “I’m sorry” wasn’t included. Well, I was. I guess I still just reserve those words for extreme cases.
5. Talked to my Butler. Felt the anger rising again but tried to control it. Am I really just so overly irritable, or is there a real reason for me to be irritated all the time? It was easier to not mind him when we were just friends. *sigh* Are relationships supposed to be this way, really?
6. Thought about giving up on relationships since everything don’t seem to work anyway. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m not hardwired to keep a relationship. Maybe I have a timer ticking towards self-destruct whenever I’m in a relationship. Scrapped all negative thoughts. Told myself it’s just the little devil in my brain talking.
7. Logged on to my computer and decided to blog about all this. Hardly got to do anything when the electricity died. Played with my phone in the darkness for about an hour. Mosquitoes kept me company.
8. Power came back on. A person in my network invited me to two new games on FB. While deciding whether to accept the invite or not, conversation with self ensued:
Myself: “You said you’ll quit.”
I: “Yeah… I’ll quit… I just don’t want her to think I’m ignoring her invite…”
Myself: “But if you accept that, she’ll keep sending you gifts and it won’t ever stop.”
I: “I’ll stop playing the game. I just don’t want to be rude.”
Myself: “You don’t have the guts to uninstall that game. Didn’t you also say you’ll stop trying to please others all the time?”
Myself & I: [Stared at the ‘Allow’ and ‘Don’t Allow’ buttons. Mouse pointer hovering over ‘Don’t Allow.’]
I: “Come on, just this one time. I hate the feeling of refusing anybody.
Myself: “Fine! You’re on your own!” >_<
I: [Clicked on Allow.]
9. Currently waiting for my Butler to get home. Maybe he’ll text me while he’s at the party of his half-sister to update me on how things are going. I wish I was out right now too. I wish, by some glitch, that he’ll come by after the party the way he used to impractically offer to bring me dinner or come by my house just a few months ago just because “he doesn’t want me to get hungry.” He kept saying he can’t wait for Wednesdays and Saturdays. I really felt his sincerity during those times. He really wanted to be with me and see me all the time. I guess nothing lasts forever. Maybe I’m the cause too as to why he’s been more lax/comfortable. Maybe I made him feel too safe with me. Maybe he doesn’t like me as much anymore. Maybe I’m being overly needy — which I have never been like towards him years ago. Maybe, again, this is the part of me that hasn’t healed yet from my past problems. Maybe I’m just being openly pathetic. Maybe I’ll regret everything I have said in this blog post in a few minutes. Or maybe, my fears and doubts have some basis since signs of complacency are starting to surface. (I don’t feel like talking to him about it yet coz that would drive him away further. Besides, I’m too tired of discussions that turn into fights. I just simply can’t stop my fingers from typing what I think even if I know he would get to read this.)
10. Realized again how I’m such a nut job to be able to compartmentalize the feeling-and-blogging me from the actual me that interacts with him. Can’t help but see myself in the third person. Many people say that there are simply some things you can’t tell your other half. I’m unable to live by that, but I understand how that goes. I simply don’t care what he would think about my thoughts here and treat him like any other faceless reader. What’s important is I get to express what I feel. Even if, heaven forbid, I happen to have an affair or stop feeling for him… I think all that will be recorded here.
11. Went out to answer my craving for something good-tasting. Bought a bunch of junk food: chips and a big bottle of orange soda. Wanting to invite my sister to have some but I’m sure I’m going to get ignored yet again. Better not.
12. Having Bread Pan. Memories of my previous, beloved boss floods me. I used to leave Bread Pan for her at her station since she hardly eats. Always so busy. I took after her. I miss her. Never got around to calling her up to check if she still lives there. What a tragic life she had. Parents murdered. No family. On the run from the media who turned her life into a circus. Changed homes. Unable to trust anybody. Almost 40 but the past still haunts her. The only thing she had was work, and even that was taken away from her. People ask me sometimes if I hear from her. We were the closest. I don’t have have her number. She left without saying goodbye. I was devastated and couldn’t get my act together for many days.
13. Half past twelve in the morning. Butler not yet home. No word from him yet.
14. Butler home after 30mins from the last entry. Chatted about his day. Admitted I haven’t had dinner. Promised we’ll do grocery tomorrow. Something I have been waiting for but kept getting pushed back for two months now. Said “I’ll keep that in mind. That’ll be top priority tomorrow.” Told him I was feeling low. Asked me why. Found it hard to explain. Felt like if I put how I felt into words, it would sound small and inconsequential. Feared he might dismiss them or say something generic or compare himself to me. Kept falling asleep while we were talking… just like many previous nights. Have we reached the ‘Too Comfortable Phase’ in three months time?
15. Depressed more that I wasn’t able to make anything of my Day 1 to Thirty.