I’m better now. Much better than January to March of this year, much better than last May, even much better than last month, last week, or yesterday.
I can wash clothes now remembering less, with each stroke, how he taught me (a point of disagreement between him and Mama since she has her own way of washing clothes). I can do the dishes now without keeling over all the time whenever I hear him in my head praising me about getting better and better at it. I sleep better now and my nightmares have been replaced by tamer themes. I can take a bath now with less pain as memories flood me while my mind blanks as the water gushes over me.
I can ride a cab now without wanting to jump out the door while it cruises along familiar roads and sights. I can somewhat pass Elly St. now without gasping for air. Earlier, I was able to finally wear my glasses to look at the scenery and shops as I walked the mall which was second home to us every weekends. Passing the ongoing mass which we used to attend just made me want to hurl a bit.
I knew from the start that time heals all. Even Mommy told me that. I’m not yet off the road to complete healing, but with the amount of change that has happened over the past months, I’m positive the end will be in sight. I owe it all to my Mama & Papa who selflessly allowed me to heal without kicking me out of the house for my inability to pull my act together; to my sister who saved me when I was close to breaking point just by arriving at my doorstep, by being with me, talking to me, understanding me, and making me laugh — I wish to believe our time together is mutually therapeutic even if we may not see eye-to-eye on some things, but truly connect in so many levels with others; to my Butler who, once more, wholeheartedly gave his friendship… and then love… to me. His patience in dealing with my episodes day and night, even sometimes during the most inopportune occasions, is outstanding.
I am inclined to believe now that the theme of my life would be a series of peaks and valleys. During elementary to high school, I was an overachiever — the top of the world, at the best of my game. Then college came and I came tumbling down — at first at my own decision to do things differently, then it all got out of hand. I realize now that if you’re an achiever, never go against it because once you stop getting awards and adulation which you have been so used to, your life takes a downward spiral — just like depriving a heroin addict. However, after getting out of college, I took a looong vacation (a complete year) before jump starting my career. I rose from the ranks at lightning speed and once more, I was on top of the world. After three years of being in the spotlight for my contributions to my companies, life took a tumble. I fell in love. For two years, I rolled downhill at increasing speed. I hit rock bottom. For one year I was lost in the darkest pits. That one year is almost up. On hands and feet, with the people I love pushing my backside, I have managed to inch my way up again.
I don’t know if I’m at a new chapter in my life already, or if I’m just on another page moving towards the end of one foul chapter. It doesn’t matter where I am. What matters is I know I am moving… and towards something better.
When you’re down, there’s nowhere to go but…