I opened my eyes. “It’s morning. I wonder if he texted already.”
I checked my phone. “7:33 AM. No text message. He must be sleeping still. He’ll call me or text when he wakes. I’ll give him time.”
Went to sleep again.
Woke up and saw Mama in bed. She must be done with the morning chores so it must be nearing lunchtime now. Checked the time. 9:30 AM. He must be up and on the way to the clinic by now. So why the heck didn’t he greet me good morning?
Fine. Making a statement. That after obviously trying to put on a face of calmness last night and texting me a cold I’m home already *bitter smile* but without a good night message, he wants me to know that he’s still hurt about what happened yesterday.
But maybe he really forgot, or was in a hurry to get to work, or didn’t have load.
I hate this feeling of anxiety. I hate trying to make excuses in my head for somebody. The feeling feels so old — like accidentally running into an old friend who stabbed you in the back — that my whole body was rejecting it. I wanted to throw up.
But what really happened yesterday? My problems of old decided to say hi to me again in the most inopportune time. No, they haven’t left me. The presence of my Butler has been taking my attention away from them more and more. Unfortunately, they are all but lost. Just lurking in the shadows and waiting to jump out when I’m in my most serene state and my mind starts wandering.
However, the Butler seems to have grown lax since they haven’t guest-starred for quite a time now. He must have been deluded into thinking the villains of old were not going to put up a fight once in a while. Their appearance yesterday was uncalled for for him. He wanted to know what happens next to the new leading man, forgetting that the old villains once promised to make a comeback. He hasn’t taken into consideration that the main protagonist was getting stronger by the day and was trying to deal with them on her own, silently, that’s why it seemed they hardly existed.
The Butler forgot his promise to accept that they would possibly exist forever. He shrunk them down to the level of importance of Myk and JC. I no longer know myself exactly how important they were to me during the first half of this year, but I know they were significant enough to cause a severe depression that is unfortunately still existent – eight months, and counting.
Right now, I feel like I just got out of fighting in an endless war zone, thought I could find peace of mind after coming home, to realize that I’m about to enter a similar fight again, even if smaller in scale.
I’m too tired of feeling anxious and making up excuses for people I care for. I haven’t regained my balance yet to fight another day. I don’t want to have to do with anything of this right now.