Changing Tracks

It’s been a while since I have been hit by a wave of inspiration… or desperation. (Typing that first sentence took 10 minutes.) Since this  blog is my means of escape, I’d like to take it as a good sign that the hysteria is now down to a minimum… or maybe my hormones are just not wreaking havoc right now since I’m in the middle of my cycle. Only once within the past two weeks did my sister walk in on me hyperventilating while glaring at the sugar dispenser.

I’ve done a lot of Facebook gaming over the past days. I haven’t had the time to stop and think, and I like that. I’ve somehow started to make my presence felt by my previous colleagues by playing with them in one of those games. That’s an improvement, I guess. The content of my dreams have been gradually changing too. I’ve been dreaming about death of other loved ones for many consecutive nights now. Not at all pleasant, but at least I know I’m sad about these ones.

I feel like I’m being pushed towards a crossroad in my life prematurely. I feel pressured to make a decision I don’t want to deal with yet, but in consideration for another whose time is of paramount importance, I should. My mind says it’s the right thing to do.

My sister agrees that I always take the most difficult route to solving a problem. My normal decision would be to wait it out however long it takes ’til the timing is right (and I always know when the timing is right, that’s why it sometimes takes years for me to do something… and I don’t care really waiting it out) and I would know the answer when it comes. However, I might just decide that this is all too much of a hassle to deal with right now that I’d decide not think about it completely, say no, then stay away from it all. Or, I might just default to wanting to please everyone by giving them the happy ending they want, take that leap of faith and hope everything works out in the end. As of now, this feels like the worst path to take since I would be starting a new chapter with a big what-if-it-all-doesn’t-work-out-since-it’s-forced-yet-there-is-nobody-to-blame-but-myself — the worst way to start something new.

Whatever happens, I have to stick to my belief that has kept me positive all these years: “What makes a decision good or bad is how you deal with it after making it. Never regret.”

Crossroads. A crossroads in the forestry.
Image via Wikipedia

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