Love without an agenda; love without a need; love that goes against anything – that, is the purest kind of love I have ever experienced.
But it was abused.
I dreamt of you again today. You visited me as I napped peacefully on my chair. In the dream you came to visit me at home. I was so surprised at your visit I wasn’t able to compose myself too quickly.
I tried to remember all the things I was supposed to say to you when we met again. All the insults and the stinging words I’m supposed to throw at you. Was I supposed to hit you a hundred times with my bare fists? I can’t remember. I suddenly couldn’t remember what I was supposed to do as I gazed at you again.
You greeted me like you didn’t inflict on me the hurt of a lifetime. I didn’t have the heart to fight you just yet. I needed to savor seeing you again. Being with you again. I’ll find the words to say later when I get my bearings. I greeted you cordially.
You went around the house seeing the things that changed and things that didn’t. You were like a kid in a candy store pointing here and there. You cracked your usually 6-tiered jokes. I kept laughing.
I haven’t been this light and happy in a long while. It was intoxicating.
I realized I wasn’t feeling that way because of your jokes. It was because I was with you again.
I planned to shout in your face that you replaced me with somebody not even two weeks after we formally ended things. I planned to hit you for lying to my face about not dating her while we were still together. I planned to torture you for all the pain and misery you put me through while we were together, and then after. As much as I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to get mad anymore.
I was was overwhelmed by something stronger which I only realized after waking up…
I still love you, as much as I did, if not more than, before.
(Before, part of me loved you because I can’t survive without your physical presence in my life. Now, I couldn’t place where the feeling was coming from. I guess the best way I could describe it was like seeing an angel. I was just happy being with you.)
You went around remembering our times together, pulling up memories in the form of still pictures of the two of us (you in a fuchsia shirt, me in white sleeveless – both of which we don’t have) — in this part of the house, and there, and at the window, and in the garden, and at the office…
In the pictures, we were laughing and smiling and loved each other like there was no other people in the world but us. For a moment, we looked like our old selves.
I was overcome with a great feeling of loss and sadness. Everything felt so very real. I knew I was dreaming however and I would have to soon wake up and you will be gone once again. It’s the first time for me to dream of us talking happily to each other after we ended. I tried to hold on to your fading smile a bit more.
I opened my eyes to only my tear-drenched pillow and the maid sweeping behind my chair.