Changing Change

I have just realized that the one trait I can’t change in myself: I have a perpetual need to change people.

I couldn’t change it because I’m not very sure that’s a really dominant characteristic in me. Apart from friends and family telling me that I’m like that, I still couldn’t really see it in me because I know inwardly how accepting and immensely tolerating I am.

And if that is really my trait, I couldn’t change it because I still need proof that it is such a bad thing to want to make other people better. It’s not that I want to change ever single atrocious thing about them, nor do I not accept many of their big flaws. I just believe that people can always make themselves better, if they just try hard enough. I still can’t bring myself to believe that men (the male gender, that is) cannot change.

My sister’s right. I gravitate towards difficult people – ok, men in my life, specifically. When in a relationship, I always have that desire to make them better – as close to perfect as they could get – to make our relationship fit for forever. But who’s to decide that when the gauge is only my own measurement of goodness? Why can’t I simply stay away from these types, go for the “easy and uncomplicated ones” and live a peaceful life? Is it a subconscious effort to stay unhappy because I fear being truly happy? And is there such a thing as fearing true happiness?

Once I have somebody with me, do I have a timer that starts ticking towards auto-destruct? Do I always manage to find something wrong to make me right? If I truly have this as a dominant trait, does that mean I’m not fit to be in a long-lasting relationship?


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