Woke up at around 9:30 PM tonight with one thought: “Just another day.”
My life is taking such a long, slow walk to the grave. I never really thought much about it before when I was working since I was busy and very stressed out, but now everything is coming into perspective.
When I was working, I woke up everyday with worries about the current problems – reports, deadlines, meetings, my ex. I never worried about the future. I didn’t have goals. I didn’t have anything to live for nor was I trying to work for a long term goal. I just… existed.
Now that I don’t have work (and still haven’t searched for one even after being resigned for six months now), I’m realizing what I was when I was working is basically what I am still now (minus the stress): a person with no purpose.
No, I’m no Princeton from Avenue Q who would suddenly get motivated to find a purpose in life after realizing that. That would be too laborious. Besides, I never really wanted to go out and find my purpose since I don’t find the whole point to it.
My ex, in so many actions (not words), have been able to point out quite condescendingly that I didn’t have any purpose. He’d be so happy to know that I actually agree with him. What did he call me once? Ah, he said I speak and feel like a ‘retired person.’ No, that wasn’t the condescending part. That one is the truth.
I feel old. I feel like I’ve seen enough of everything. Like I know exactly how the whole world works already. Like there’s nothing new out there for me to see, to conquer, to learn.
For more than a quarter of a century, I’ve always prided myself for my almost inhuman ability to learn things. Learning for me doesn’t happen only on the mental level. When I’m being taught something, my body immediately learns more than my mind does, then just gives an affirmation to my brain that what the ‘teacher’ taught was actually true.
While being taught how to do the left and right English in pool, I was feeling the traction and the rotation of the ball on the felt inside me like I was the ball. While being taught how to cook, I was tasting and feeling the weight of each grain of salt in my mind just by seeing it dropped into a pan (thus now I cook without even tasting the food but it always turns out nice). While I was working with previous bosses, mentors, and subordinates, I kept ‘becoming them’ in a very subconscious level – feeling exactly how they were feeling – knowing their worries, fears and happiness like they were mine… and I guess that’s where my being retired and old stems from.
I feel drained after seeing life through the eyes of other people I have worked with. Being them, I have already strove and failed; I have tried to use words beyond my knowledge and walk a swagger to become somebody else; I have rose the ranks and got promoted, yet didn’t become contented; I have managed a multinational company and let it go to the dogs; I have wasted and forgotten dreams in exchange for a hefty paycheck.
So yeah, since I took ‘living vicariously through other people’ to a whole new level, I feel as wasted and tired as they are. But since they have reasons for going through the cycle of rejection and failure over and over again ’cause they have families to feed, bills to pay, vacations being saved up for, I remain purposeless with no reason to get off my sorry ass and fight for something.
And now I wonder, where is that silver lining that they like to refer to so much about?