I woke up the next day still with the same headache. First thing I did was check my Facebook for a message from him – an apology, another red flag of war, anything! – to see how I have affected him.
Nothing. But he was online. He must have read it. He must have. He must be hurting right now.
You deserve it! You deserve to finally get hurt by me after all the hurt you have given to me!! I once more, naively, open my heart to yu and forgive you then you step on it! Trample on it! Spit on it!
I wish you die! I hate you so much that I can’t count the ways of how I saw your demise playing in my head.
But I miss you. I still wish you would come later even if I hurt you. I actually wish, just like all my other wishing in vain in the past, that you would take that as a challenge that you may prove that you meant me no harm. That you it was an honest mistake to fall asleep in the middle of our very heated topic. I would forgive you if you come over.
I kept looking at the time. Maybe you are preparing and cooking the midnight feast early since you know that you wouldn’t have time in the evenign coz you will already be with me by then. That must have been the reason why you kept logging on and off of Facebook.
I kept a steady eye on his activity and status in FB.
3PM – you must be cooking…
6PM – still online… maybe he’s starting to prepare to go to me already…
7PM – come on now, fireworks would start very soon and it would be dangerous to go out in the streets if you leave later…
7:30PM – still online… oh there! he logged off! *after a few minutes* shit, he logged back on again. Maybe he’s waiting for his brothers and their families to arrive before he goes.
8PM – what are you still doing there?
9PM – He logged off! Oh my God! He’s going to brave the streets to come to me! He loves me! I forgive him! I wonder what time he will arrive. *I kept checking the gate and straining my ears if somebody if knocking*
10PM – He’ll be here very soon. *Jon logs back in to Facebook* Noooooo! This can’t be right! He has already left! He’s on his way here! Maybe he’s at a computer shop to tell me it’s so hard and dangerous to get to my place yet he’s somewhere close. Please, please, please let that be the reason why he is back online. *no word or chat from him* Hope was draining. And fast.
11PM – He’s still online. Must be greeting his friends a Happy New Year. It’s really very noisy now. All the fireworks are being lit by the neighbors. Maybe he’ll come after all the fiestivities are over. Maybe. Ok, I might still be able to forgive him if he does that. Three or four AM can still be fine. As long as he comes. *I’m just giving myself false hope*
11:30PM – Facebook wall update: "Jonathan Guerrero is now Single." with a quick comment from Mon Victor: "O! Anong nangyari sa inyo ni Boom?"
11:30:05PM – Heart racing and pounding in my ears, ice water seemingly doused over my head, I frantically searched for what exactly that meant… hoping I didn’t meet with what I expected to be the worst.
11:30:20PM – I met with the worst of my expectations. All our photos… our albums… all deleted. Boracay… Pagudpod… Bohol… An album containing pictures from my phone… Profile pictures of him that contained him and me… Everything gone. A few were left but I’m sure he was in such a rage to delete them that those werte overlooked.
11:31PM – Realization caught up with me fast. I hoped it would dilly-dally just this one time, but it didn’t. I was slumped in front of my computer and could no longer hide the tears and sobbing from my sister even if I tried a bit.
11:32PM – I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to isolate myself in the dressing room behind a huge box of balikbayan goods. The sobs came and so did the tears and anguish and all life in from a woman who was once thought as vibrant, headstrong and in charge. I lost it – in every sense of the word. I cried and cried and cried with an intensity that tried to match the pain that was tearing at me to get out. It didn’t work. There was nothing to compare it to… nothing to match it. It was New Year’s Eve and everybody was partying and enjoying the festivities. I, didn’t care if I disrupted the whole neighborhood from their gaiety. Life was so unjust. For the first time, I didn’t care about Mama and Papa’s happiness on this time-honored event or how much they were worrying as they rushed to me after hearing my relentless screams.
12AM – Clock struck 12. The mark of a new year. All it marked for me was the death of everything good. People in the house didn’t even think of trying to cheer me up – they wouldn’t have been able to. They just started blowing theirs horns and gingling coins for good luck and to drive bad spirits away. All I wanted to happen was to welcome all the bad spirits and store them in me. We belong together.
12:30AM – Intensity of tears have not yet subsided, but at least the screaming has. Mama was able to finally take me upstairs. Made me lie in bed. She lay down beside me and hugged me. With my her cradled on one of her arms, I cried myself to sleep.
I’m very superstitious about New Year’s Eve. I have always believed that the things you are doing, the feelings you are feeling, and the people you are with, when the clock strikes 12, are the feelings, things and people that you will be with the whole year.
This New Year was, for the record, the worst ever New Year I have ever experienced. I’m sure that would go the same with my year this 2010.
Thanks a bunch, Jon.