Dec 30 – Evening
Fine. You got my message. You decided to talk to me. You initiated chat in YM. It didn’t even reach the third or fourth line that you typed, you have already said the two words that I have been dying to hear (or see, in this case).
My heart leaped. I felt happy. Very happy. I stopped myself. Hang on! This guy is saying sorry to you over chat! You would have never accepted something such as this from anybody before! Why the special treatment?!…Ohkeeey, fine, you accept that he’s really like that. That he can’t express himself verbally. Fine. Moving on.
But I didn’t acknowledge your sorry. I was too hurt to. I was more afraid to. I was still afraid that it was just all for show. Afraid that maybe you are just doing it coz I want you to do it.
Deep inside, I felt you were sincere about your apology… but
experience dictates that I be wary. Very wary. It hurt me that I
couldn’t simply comfort you and tell you "Don’t worry, everything is
okay now. I forgive you."
I said some other things. (I know I saved that who chat coversation but now I can’t find it anywhere.) I wanted you to see, for the millionth time, where I was coming from. I told you I wanted to work on things little by little.
You told me that I don’t know how happy you are that I said that. That you would also, sincerely, want to work on things little by little – step by step. I coulnd’t believe what I was seeing in chat! Is this really you?! For the very first time this year, you are sincerely and openly agreeing with me?!
I almost fell off my seat reading the next few lines from you…
You wanted us to work on you! You said you finally realize now that you have been forcing your standards on me. That if you haven’t been such a ditzhead (sorry, my word) we could have been fine all along. You said that all it needed was for you to make a little adjustment so that you would be the perfect fit for me… and that you shouldn’t have forced your standards on me. (I know, I repeat. I still just can’t believe you finally realized that!!! I was floating in the clouds when you said that!!!)
You said "Let’s start working on my being dense." OMG!!! ONE SHORT SENTENCE FROM JON, ONCE BIG LEAP FOR MANKIND!!! HALLELUJAH!!! Indeed, I can’t agree more. I couldn’t hide my pleasure that I said something with a smiley attached that made you say "Grrr. Tuwangtuwa ka naman na surrender na ako." My God Jon, this is not a game! Mas lalo na that this isn’t a competition!! Anyway, I was too happy to get provoked by those words that I instead said something reassuring.
More words that warmed my heart: "I am going to start to be more agreeable. That means I’m going to keep an open mind to what you say and think that what you tell me is not intended to harm me." (Or something to that effect, I lost the whole chat text.) And he did! He really did become more agreeable!! It was the best feeling in the world to finally see you and me see eye to eye on things! For you to finally do something I expect you to do and want you to do! For you to finally not go against everything just for the sake of doing so!! You agreed with the next things I said, not necessarily in direct agreement, but you definitely showed that you took them into consideration, thus you didn’t say "No." You used words such as "That’s possible," "You may be right," "That’s very probable" and so on and so forth!!
Oh my God, I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH! I actually almost said that in chat. (I just had to stop my self – actually delete the words "I love you" before I make the mistake of pressing enter – coz we were in chat and that was so crass.)
We talked more. The well of sweetness started to spring forth out of me. I started to call you Baboo-kun again. We started making jokes. Things were back to normal – if not much better. I loved that moment. I wished it would never end.
But like all of the most wonderful things in my life, you had to come and destroy this one yet again…
Dec 31 – 3:30AM
Jon: "Babi-chan, sleepy na ko. Uminom ako ng gamot."
Me: "Oh, okay, sleep na tayo. My head is hurting din kanina pa eh." (I have had a splitting headache starting early evening)
Jon: "O cge, good night na."
Me: *alarmed* "Huh? Wait, aren’t you going to call?"
Jon: "Wag na muna siguro. I’m still scared of you."
Another fight ensued. Or more like, the wound re-opened because I feel I got duped into thinking everything is okay already then suddenly here he is, not wanting to bring things back to normal!! I let my guard down! I became sweet to him! I FORGAVE HIM!! And this is what he gives me back in return?! "I’m still scared of you?!"
Sinayang nya lahat ng pinagusapan namin that evening. EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, BUT NO, HE JUST HAD TO GO AND DESTROY IT!! I’m convinced, he refuses to be trully happy in life! He can’t stand the perfect moment of happiness brought about by love between two people! All he wants to be surrounded by is death and decay!
He was adamant. He didn’t want to call. Next time na lang daw. How can there be a next time when he is once more openly opposing me now?! Kala ko ba nag-sorry ka na?! What, all for show?! Just to get done and over with it?!?!
He abruptly said "Baboo-kun, lipat ako sa FB. Brb." Then he was gone.
Tanga ko, how couldn’t I have figured that he decided to go upstairs with my laptop and chat with me from there so he has more of an excuse not to go down anymore to call me up? Shit talaga! He was six inches away from the fucking phone downstairs!!!
He came back online, this time on Facebook. Wow, he’s true to he’s word. >_<
The fight ensued. I had to let go of having him call me. He left me with no choice anyway. (God! Have I really turned this soft?! An act like this would have meant crucifixion of the erring party if that happened two years before!!)
Since I didn’t win the calling-me-up thing, I went on to attack his Achilles heel and see if it would still make him buckle – let’s put to the test his "sincerity" earlier. (Why should he buckle if he really meant on fixing things between us??)
"So, I’ll just see you tomorrow [later]?" A not too subtle suggestion for him to be at my place on New Year’s Eve.
"Baka may plans yung family." Great! As expected: he will never let this call end with a happy ending!
"Plans will always be there. Please be with me on New Year’s."
*I can’t remember if he replied or stayed silent*
"Be with me at 12 midnight, please." Go on Hersch, dig a deeper hole for both you and him. The deeper you dig, the deeper you sink in you lack of self-respect, and him in debt.
"I have begged twice already. Are you waiting for a third."
"Please be with me on New Year’s Eve, Baboo. Please." Tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Fine, I will."
*stunned* I know I pissed him off, but I still want him to prove his earlier sincerity and atone for the mistakes of not calling me and having me beg. I needed to know for sure why he said that… and that he wouldn’t come here, then leave after 5mins… just to say that he did as told.
"Why did you say that?"
"Because you want me to." There it is! Another full-blown coup. If he’s so intent in sleeping then he should have just called to show me that he truly missed me. Actually, there is nothing to show. As I always tell him, if he FEELS it, there is no need to think of what to do because he would do it!!
Maybe the next words that came from me were harsh. I don’t remember nor care anymore. All I remember is that he stopped responding. I needed him to respond because I was on the verge of calling everything off already, and only his response can stop me from telling him "If you aren’t with me tomorrow by 12 midnight, forget about being with me any time this whole year."
But no response came. I was torn between tearing him apart or following my time-tested habit of putting off big decisions such as this ’til after I have slept and sense has been knocked into me.
"You are not taking me seriously." I said after a few minutes of no response from him.
"Don’t you dare sleep on me!" Still mo response.
After hating how totally pathetic I already was, I left him a line I knew that would crush him (and maybe never return him to the old him – whatever that means):
"I hate you."
It was daylight. I logged out then cried myself to sleep.