Traces of Longing

Hi Hanz,

It’s been a while. How are you?

I dreamt of you just a few minutes ago. And the content nor the people in the dream were insignificant. What was significant was the feeling I had while dreaming of you.

Remember you introduced me to Bleach? 🙂 Well, I’ve been having a Bleach marathon lately with my partner, Jon. We were both taking a nap with me lying in his arms this afternoon when all sense of reality got knocked out of me and I got whisked away to Soul Society.

I saw the huge cliff in the Soul Society but that’s inconsequential coz I got whisked away once more into a woody park.

There was mist, and a green, metal bench in the middle of the woods. You were there… with Kristala.

I guess you were there with her on one of your nature trips, or simply enjoying being alone together.

She was in an area to the left where my sight does not reach. Must be playing with a dog. You were sitting on the bench with your head slightly tilted upwards, your eyes closed, enjoying the few rays of the sun that was able to break through the mist.

After all these years, I finally saw you again! I quickly glided towards you, full of longing to finally be able to talk with you and be with you again.

But something was stopping me. The scene kept repeating. I kept gliding closer and closer, feeling all the feelings I had for you before… then the vision would repeat. Then repeat.

All I wanted was to be beside you, sit beside you, talk to you, feel you near me. No trace of lust, no dark intensions, just all purest wanting and longing.

All I wanted was to look into your deep and laughing eyes again. Hear the distant rolling thunder in your voice when you speak. Feel your shirt sleeve brush against mine. Be the center of your world for even just a few precious minutes.

But I couldn’t. I can’t bring myself to get close to you the way I couldn’t bring myself to get close to you even before. All I can do is stand in the distance and watch life pass by you from afar.

Thought I have forgotten about you, Hanz. My dream simply proved me wrong.

But a dream will just be that, a dream… the way you have been a dream to me ever since.


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