What’s Best Served Cold?

1 Message Received

"Chunggi. Good morning. :)"

Sender:

J 0 N

+639175076334

Sent:

07:11:03pm

Dec 23 2008

 

I stared at the words.

It doesn’t mean that when I replied to your forwarded message we’re on good terms already, Jon. Trying to be sweet, huh? Beg and grovel first. You have tortured me for so long. Now’s my turn. How does it feel?

*Pressed the Back button. Locked the phone.*

 

1 Message Received

"I was thinking of calling up. Neway… D bale na lang. Gooo mowney! :)"

Sender:

J 0 N

+639175076334

Sent:

07:35:46pm

Dec 23 2008

 

Getting impatient for my reply, I see? You think I’m dying to get a message from you and would reply immediately once a text arrives?? I have more will power than that, Jon. If you want to talk and fix things, work hard for it!

I now hold the reins. You are now in the palm of my hand. What would be my next move?

This is now has turned into a chess game. Think eight steps ahead. What is the expected action of Boom in this case? What would I do different but rock his world and at the same time leave him to be the only one at fault?

I know now….

Become him.

*Pressed the Back button. Locked the phone.*

 

1 Message Received

"I guess it is better is we don’t speak to each other anymore. I really need the invitation to Chyno’s wedding though. If you can, please leave it at my station. Thanks."

Sender:

J 0 N

+639175076334

Sent:

08:32:55pm

Dec 23 2008

 

I amazed myself that for the first time I received I message like this from him (which is definitely not the first, second or even fifth time for him to send such), I didn’t break down into tears.

What was more amazing is that I simply… smiled.

 

You sure have patience, Jon. If I were asleep, you can’t even wait for me to wake up. You also know I just have 1 space in my Inbox all the time. What’s the hurry?? 🙂 You haven’t talked to me for this long, then you suddenly demand a reply from me when I’m supposed to be asleep?

How does it feel, not knowing what’s going through my mind? The feeling of doubt and anxiety and fear of what is to come? How does it feel to be forgotten? Not cared for? Not prioritized? Not loved?

Like ripping your gut out, isn’t it?

Like you’d rather die.

You are where I want you. I’ll deal with you later.

*Pressed the Back button. Locked the phone.*

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, now I am left with the question, what to do next?

 

Jon will react this way:

A. If I reply to his last message…

1. …with a harsh reply that would lash out at him: He will lash back, will not back down, will not say sorry, and will say something to strengthen his resolve to not talk to me. – If I reply this way, I would be at fault because he can make it turn out as I’m the evil one who does not give him time to explain and that I don’t listen to him. That I’m fault-finding. No, I’ll keep away from this option until further provoked.

2. …denying I was awake when he texted: Even if it is possible, he won’t completely buy it and will cause him to doubt me. "Doubt leads to fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to the dark side." – This may fast-track the time we get to talk but I need to do better than this.

3. …begging for his forgiveness that I didn’t get to reply immediately: He’d be stunned. I don’t expressly nor quickly say sorry if it weren’t the small things (like stepping on his foot) or the very few big things (like not telling him I knew that my previous suitor had his number and… well that’s another story) – With this, he won’t know how to react. It’ll corner him, but in the end he’ll find a way to get out of it and use it to his advantage. If he doesn’t, his other reaction would be to think everything is okay now with us. This will cause him more not to talk about what happened. This won’t do.

4. …with a sweet, cutesy message: He’d be irritated, but at the same time he wouldn’t be able to lash out. I would have effectively tied his hands behind his back. He’d know that I’m pretending, yet he wouldn’t want to come out as the one at fault so he won’t say anything harsh. And definitely he won’t state the obvious. "Stop acting like everything’s fine!" Hahaha! That’d be the day! He’d never say that since he’d never want to come out as weak. – Not my preferred style, but I can look into it. He accuses me of cornering him all the time anyway. Time to live up to the expectation.

5. …accepting his challenge: He’d be shocked! I’ve never accepted his goodbyes ever. All I did was try to fix us and try to have him back. I have a pretty good feeling he will quickly accept it then languish in the fact that I was able to let go eventually.

I could have simply replied "Ok" the way I have been envisioning it the past weeks. "The biggest hurt for a guys is when he feels he is not important to the one they care for" – Nel’s words are still ringing in my ear. Revenge is best served cold. – I’ll save this for later. I still want to hear what he has to say, even if I kinda know already. (Of course it’s going to be about something to put the blame on me and try to turn the tables. How childish!) I want to say it straight to his face anyway that we’re done. Or else I won’t get the satisfaction of not seeing him hurt.

6. …not accepting his challenge but posing him with another challenge: This would both unnerve him and give him more doubt, yet he would not feel completely cornered. To him, it would seem like he’s got a little control back. That he can pull my strings again – coz he’s never backed out of any indirect challenge to his shrewdness. It would make the game more fun and deadly. More hurt would come for both of us. Why else are we both hanging on right now but to see how far the other would go before she or he breaks, right? –  This would be one of my best cards to play.

B. If I don’t reply and stay silent…

  • He’ll really think that I have already let go, moved on and no longer care. I can’t allow him to think that. I want him to think that I’m still thinking about him but not at the magnitude as of before (even if I really have been thinking about him three-fold ever since this fiasco starteed).
  • He’ll think it’s one more of my acts to not mind his message then come at him at an unexpected time, again. No. I’ve used this card already. I have to play a new one.
  • He’ll go berserk and continue not knowing what to do and think. But at the end of it all, it will fast-track to him saying goodbye finally so that he could save his already shattered ego.
  • Or, (this is my optimistic, hopelessly-romantic side talking now) after a long time – around the second week of January, maybe – he’d come crawling back and see if there would be anything more to save.

C. If I call him up…

  • He’d act cool and energetic. Like nothing happened. That would do nothing but irritate the hell out of me. He knows how to do that. He knows that the more he doesn’t bring up what we have to talk about, the more I want to pull it out of him. This will end up in me losing. And if we talk over the phone, there won’t be enough time. And if I leave the conversation hanging (to go to work) before finishing him off, he’d stop worrying coz he would know from my words and tone where he stands.

D. If I go to his place…

  • Same as Option C.

 

In the end, after 35mins, I chose to apply a mixture of Options A1, A2, A4 and A6. I replied in 10 minute intervals to each message (so it would look like I didn’t receive all msgs at once. He knows I have one space left in my Inbox all the time anyway). Here’s how it went:

Jon: "Chunggi. Good morning. :)"

Me: "Mornin din"

No smileys. Just an acknowledgment that I received the message and that I’m reciprocating it without any sweetness – but at least I replied.

Jon: "I was thinking of calling up. Neway… D bale na lang. Gooo mowney! 🙂

Me: "Y didn’t you then?

Sign of openness, a bit of hurt, a bit of wanting to hear him, a bit of a challenge to call me, a bit of "there you are again cowering from me."

Jon: "I guess it is better is we don’t speak to each other anymore. I really need the invitation to Chyno’s wedding though. If you can, please leave it at my station. Thanks."

Me: "Wow. You sure have patience to wait for a reply."

An open challenge to him to have more patience and deal with more hurt after what he has already been through. I left him not knowing if I’m agreeing to leave the invitation on his station. Also left him wondering if I was affected or not by his challenge to part ways.

 

No replies from him yet. As expected. I’m not also expecting that he would reply after he wakes – nor would he come to work early to catch me still here.

I’m still contemplating if I should go to his house later, but that’s just my heart speaking. God, I miss him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon, you have always prided yourself in how good you are at manipulating people. Yes, those are the words you always use. "I am good at manipulating people."

 

Ever faced-off with yourself?

 

Postscript: I never wanted to do this to you before. I have always ran after you. Now, I have nothing to lose. This is all a game now… so bring it on!

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  • An attempt to remember.

  • The author and editor would like to thank the visitors of this site for dropping by and taking time to go through the articles.

    These are simply but ramblings of one woman struggling to retain as much youth in a fast-aging world. With her deteriorating senses and memory, this is her way holding on to as much as she can remember.

    The tone of the blog will most-likely change once she shifts to another phase in life. As of the moment, she claims to be at peace while in hibernation.

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