That the first guy I ever truly loved is the one who never heard the words "I love you" from me.
Do I have any regrets for not telling him how I felt even if he saw it in all my actions?
No… maybe… a bit… I dunno…
Right now I always wonder to myself if I will ever feel this way for another person again. If I’ll give as much as I have given, knowing I could get hurt again in the process.
That would be a very lucky guy if he ever comes my way.
I hope he does… and soon. I also fear that I might burden him with my past hurt. Compare him. Watch and control his every move just so it won’t be a repeat of what is happening now. I should love him without any bias and suspicion.
The healing process is so hard – especially when I don’t know what’s running through his mind right now. Mommy and Nel were right: I should act, feel and think like it’s all over so I won’t have any expectations. Easy to say, hard to do. But I should be able to do it for my own sake.
I’m afraid I won’t have any closure. I’m afraid that he might have let go before I did. I’m afraid that I might be the only one thinking about him and where we stand every waking moment right now.
It hits me once a while that if somebody were to read my now-very-active blog entries, they’d say and think that I’m so pathetic and I should get over it.
It’s part of the healing process. Allow me as I please. I will eventually forget, and when you see the entries diminishing, you’ll know I’m starting to get better.
Not yet now.
Well to Jon: I love you.
There. I’ve said it.
I love you and I wish we were more alike. That we saw eye-to-eye on things. That you didn’t have to go against what I wanted just for the sake of going against what I wanted.
I hope the time when I’ll look back and laugh at my stupidity arrives soon. I wish I fall out of love for you soon. I wish I fall in love with another person again soon.
My writing is losing structure and endurance. I hate it. It’s just, there. Just like you and me.