The past days have felt like dragging years. I’ve been trying to forget you but all efforts have been in vain.
I met Drew lasy Tuesday to return some stuff. I sincerely asked for his forgiveness for hurting him badly since I picked you over him. After nine months, he hasn’t recovered yet.
I allowed Nikko to visit me (at last) at my house today. Even if I just consider him as a good friend and nothing more, I wanted at least a few hours of distraction from you. Didn’t work. He kept asking me what was bugging me. I was wondering if you were at the wedding with Eina and if you were having a good time with her, unlike me.
I talked to Mama while I was having coffee and admitted how hard it was trying to forget. How heavy on the chest. She tried to console me and told me that I shouldn’t cry over a guy like you.
I had to get ready to go to a party with Nikko. Birthday of our friend. I went in the bathroom to take a bath. For an hour, all I did was sit on the floor and cry and swear to myself how I won’t allow you to hurt me any longer.
On the way to Capitol Hills, I was just staring at nothingness. He kept waving his hand over my face to get my attention. I was feeling guilty to go out without telling you. I had to keep reminding myself you are not my boyfriend thus you do not have a hold over where I go or who I go out with.
At Jeff’s house, I kept checking my phone. All text messages that came in were all about work. I replaced the wallpaper to my favorite picture of us. "I should stop doing this." I resigned to keeping it in my pocket and just check it later.
My phone beeped. Another message. I ignored it.
After 20 minutes of boredom and spacing-out in front of Jeff, Brian, Goerge and the other guys, I pulled out my phone to play a game. I saw the message and opened it. My eyes didn’t believe what they were seeing. It was from you.
I didn’t want to read it at first. I just stared at the sender’s name ‘J 0 N.’
"Boom can I sleep over?"
From out of the blue… after I told you through IM that I was going home and you immediately said "bye" without seeing me off last Monday… after not hearing from you for the whole week even if we see each other at the office everyday… after you jammed together with my friends without me… after asking my friends out to drink and not me… after not telling me you will go to our office party when you said before you won’t… after you went to the party with Eina and not me… after appearing all dressed up in your shirt that I love and wearing the shades we bought just to show that you are doing great and not affected by what is happening between us… after having the guts to smile and laugh right across the table from me yet not mind me… after posing for a picture after swearing you hate posing for pictures… after acting like you do not know me and I do not exist!… YOU TEXT ME THAT?!
You really expect that I will welcome you back with open arms every single time you hurt me and leave me to rot?! You really expect that everything will just be fine with me and I will just make you sleep by my side like nothing’s changed?! You really expect that I have placed my life on hold for you and that I was at home sobbing myself to death?! Do you really expect that I would tell you "Yes, of course. I miss you."?!
DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO BE THAT FUCKING STUPID AND CRAZY OVER YOU?!?!?!
…but my God, I think I almost am.
I almost texted you "Yes. I’ll be home in 30 mins. I hope that’s okay with you." then hurriedly left Jeff’s party.
The feeling that I strongly believed in was that this is your way of showing that you want things to be fixed between the two of us – that this was you bringing down your defenses and pride and finally giving in and being sorry. I felt happy for a minute.
Since I was out and I didn’t know what to say at once, I replied with "Where are you right now?" Your reply came immediately. "At home. Ang ingay dito. May Christmas party sa tapat namin. Nagkakainitan pa lang sa microphone."
I had to virtually slap myself and shake myself awake to the reality of it all. Yes, you might have started to show you wanted peace, but obviously still in your terms. You wanted to come over (even if you had to commute from Makati to Navotas) on the pretense that you can’t sleep at home because it’s noisy… not really because you wanted to see me or for us to fix things and talk.
When can you ever let go of your pride?? When can yu ever make me feel special?? When can you ever make me feel loved??
…but why the heck am I still asking these questions when I should be telling myself you no longer have a chance to do those things BECAUSE IT’S OVER!
To further prove my point of how high your pride is, you didn’t wait for my reply. You texted "Ok na. I’m starting to fall asleep. Tnx."
"Earplugs. 🙂 M not home right now e." was what I was able to manage as a reply to somehow soften the hit on you coz it means "I’m out enjoying and not thinking about you" and "No, you may not." (I had to stop myself from typing "I’m sorry for not responding immediately. Please come. I’ll be home in a short bit. You can sleep over. Really!")
Somebody, please just kill me if I ever do that – ever!
For the first time ever, I turned you down and didn’t even try to win you back.
You hurt me that same way soooo many times before, now it’s my turn.
(…but it hurts hurting you…)