For all these months we have been together, my heart and mind believed it is you. That I have found "the one." I believed this because you were able to make me sacrifice so much for you unlike anyone else has. For a long time, I believed it was a good thing.
Because of that, I tried to make sure that I give my all into the relationship we have so that I could cherish it, make it grow, and make it the best relationship from day one to my last breath.
I have given you what I have never given anybody else. I have shared you my deepest wants, desires, fears and joys which only my soul knows of. I have given up too much, so much more than I have given up for anybody else, just to make you happy. I allowed a series of so many changes happen in me so I could adjust for you. I have let go of my own personal comfort, principles, beliefs, self-respect and dignity just for you.
I have loved you with a love I have never given anyone else in my lifetime.
But you have made me realize that, despite it all, that extreme love is not enough reason to stay on. I have been emotionally battered ever since the first day ‘we’ started.
I cannot take any more.
You asked me, both directly and indirectly, to give up what I gave up. You emotionally battered me by making me feel guilty over and over again about not giving you enough. When I give, next you make me feel that it is not enough, or that it is just "about time that I did because you have given me too much."
I realize now how cruel you are.
At the same time, you made me realize what I am capable of doing. You made me realize my limits. You made me realize my weaknesses. You have taught me how to toughen myself up for people like you. You are an abomination, yet I have learned to overcome you.
I wish I felt more hate for you. But I can’t. It’s just not there. What is more emphasized is the feeling of realization and awakening.
I won’t even go into details of how you hurt me. Too much has been said and done… on my part. Even for me who always finds the words to say how I feel and think, I am finally bereft of any to use.
You are no longer worth the effort.
Not even after you read this would you think you are wrong and I am right in any sense. You will keep thinking what you think and go on with your life believing how great and right you are – like a blind man arguing that the sky can be any color but blue.
I no longer care.
I can’t even find it in myself to thank you for anything anymore. Don’t worry, I still remember how much happiness I have felt just by being with you before. At least that memory, I will take with me. But I am unable to thank you for it.
I love you but you do not deserve it. Let this be my first and final goodbye.
I am finally free.
How Cruel and Selfish Have You Been? Let me Count the Ways…
- You kept asking me not to go to work on time
- You always wanted me to go to work at a time convenient for you
- You didn’t care if I get terminate for not going to work – yet you phrased it in a way that I am the one who doesn’t care
- You keep reminding me about what exactly you have given me when confronted about what you are unable to give
- You try to make me feel that you have sacrificed too much for me. Why not look at what I have sacrificed for you. Mahiya ka naman.
- You make me want for your love. You give a little, then take back too much.
- You derive happiness from my misery
- You know what I want so you make it a point not to give it
- You always want to have your way. Any way would actually be better for you, except if it was mine.
- You always make sure that if you don’t have your way, I won’t have mine too.
- You make it a point to hurt me when you are unhappy.
- You know your effect on me and you take comfort in the fact that we are in the same boat of misery.
- You keep reminding me that you are in a slump because of me. How about me? Am I not about to get terminated because of you? Didn’t I change all my work habits because of you? Didn’t I stop coming to work on time just because of you? Didn’t I keep trying to put effort to get you to work on time to the cost of my own career because of you?
- You tell me that because of me you have not been able to go to your friend’s wedding. You put the blame on me?? That’s low! Didn’t I keep reminding you about the time and that you had to go? And for not keeping in touch with friends, didn’t I stop going to my Saturday sessions (effectively disbanding my group) just so I can talk with you on the phone?
Writing about this is so exhausting. Even thinking and writing about it is starting to be not worth it. I will be able to get over you. You have demoted yourself to being "just a guy" in my eyes. Sometimes, I think to myself "Let me just wish him happiness." Haha! Right. That’ll be the day.
Even if I don’t get over you completely, I’m still fine with that. At least that would be the last hurt you can give me. It would be a good thing, actually, coz that means I would learn to cherish the next person who would come into my life and you would be the best example of what he shouldn’t be.
I’m not even writing this to hurt you. If it were that way, it wouldn’t be as heartfelt as this.
Funny of how perspectives change. I once viewed you as a great and highly respectable person who I looked up to and idolized. Once upon a time, I believed that you try to learn things about people so you can use that knowledge to help them. That’s before I knew how much cruelty and selfishness you are capable of.
Now, I just see you as a small person trying to underhandedly make the most out of the weaknesses of others and glowing in the triumph of being able to indirectly do your bidding. You are an parasite – one of the vilest I have ever known. I’m sorry for myself that our paths even crossed.
Do I hate you? No, I can’t. I am just sorry for you. Unless you change, you would never know what true happiness is. You would never get to experience it unlike what I have experienced by loving you.
Yes, I was fine being hurt as long as the hurt just came from what you lack in giving due to cluelessness. I would have actually stayed on and fought if it were just that.
But I cannot stay on because the hurt I am getting from you now is not due to you not knowing what to do. It’s from you knowing what to do, yet refusing to do it to spite me.
My karma has arrived. You are it. I wish you all the best when yours comes knocking at your door.
I know you feel it too. It’s time to go our separate paths.
You Made Me Realize…
- How much I was loved before by other people
- What I’m missing out on while being with you
- How much I took for granted the people who loved me
- How weak a person you are and that you do not deserve my admiration
- That there are scum-of-the-earth like you masquerading as saviors of mankind
- How giving I am and how much patience I have
- That I am a sucker for self-inflicted pain by staying on, hoping things would get better
- How I feared to be me around you
I pity the next person who would come into your life. If you don’t grow up and realize that being in a relationship is made up of to individuals working to make it successful, then you’d be back to scratching your head asking what went wrong. She may or may not be as mentally acute as me to realize what exactly is wrong in the situation, but she will definitely feel it.
Keep avoiding confrontation and discussion. Keep thinking you are right. Keep believing you are the one getting the lesser part of the deal. Those are key actions to ensure a very unhappy and bitter existence for your years to come.