I can’t say I’ve moved on. I can’t say I’m stuck. Honestly, I don’t know how to assess my situation (and I’m not even analyzing how things are going now). I think I’m happy. It seems I have my life back. But something seems missing.
Career? That’s one thing I’m not too worried about now (even if I have been feeling quite down the past days about the org changes). I’ll survive one way or another. Things may even look up for me when the changes happen.
Family? Things have been stable for years now and I’m happy for that.
A special someone? Hardly. Officemates have been pushing me to meet people… to the extent of pulling random co-workers by the arm while they’re walking just to introduce them to me. Gack. Sorry, not looking.
"Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"… I don’t feel that way now. Is that bad?
Things are just too peaceful nowadays.
I know… maybe I should take up something new like my plan previously. It just kept getting pushed back due to financial contraints like the "unexpected" purchase of a monitor, fixing my busted phone, paying for my insurance, etc.
Or maybe I should get a haircut? Something radical. Or even shave my head then wear a wig. Hmm. Nah, that wouldn’t be a smart move it I want to move up. I’ll be remembered as the QA with the skin head. No no.
Maybe I’ll try to enter Imax finally. I’m so intrigued by what they have there. I’ve just been reserving going to that theater for something special. Duh. (And I thought I wasn’t the sentimental type.)
Several times, I wanted to do the bar scene again. I know I haven’t had my fill of raves and foam parties and what-have-you, but I just can’t bring myself to doing it over the weekends. Besides, ano naman gagawin ko dun? Magpapa-cute?
I’m starting to get really pissed with myself at DotA. When I played with the RMH guys last night, my hands were shaking as I sat down to play my first game of the evening. I couldn’t focus. Every mouse click is a problem for me… and I didn’t have a faulty computer at all.
I was so nervous that I might mess up. And so I did. I just can’t get my head in the game. I forget what I should do. I space out mid-battle like a deer caught in the headlights of an incoming truck.
The only thing that breaks me from my trance is fury with myself whenever I think that each time I lose, I hammer yet another nail on the coffin of gender stereotypes. "Babae yan kaya takot sumugod yan." "Babae yan kaya matutuliro yan kapag nag-labo-labo na."
With all my loses today, I went home overly pissed. In the cab, on my way home, it took a lot of will not to punch the headrest of the passenger seat in front of me, or the window beside me. That was how furious I was with myself a few hours back. Both my clenched fists left fingernail marks on each palm, and I didn’t even notice.
I’m glad I don’t feel my friends treating me like "a girl."** They treat me just like one of them, in and out of the game, and that is something I really appreciate. I’m just worried about the new guys I’m playing with now. I really don’t want to come out a weakling to them.
** "A girl" – Two simple, yet powerful words that differenciates and divides gender. I avoid referring to myself as "a girl" to defy norms. I use it in this setting to make my readers understand the context and make a point. No, I’m not going to publicly burn my bra in the next Gabriela uprising. I’m simply someone who despises gender typecasting with every ounce of blood in my body.